Don't Start a Marriage with a Lie

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
In the Name of Allah, Most Merciful, Most Compassionate
Assalaamu alaykum

Dear Friends

I pray that you are well.

Marriage is all about trust. If it is missing at the beginning there will be problems. The foundation of two families coming together, if it is not trust, transparency and openness, there are going to be very serious problems after marriage.

There is a reason that the divorce rate and single parents in Muslim communities are increasing and rising. Marriage that begins with a lie is doomed for failure. We cannot close our eyes on this for the sake of our own children and our future generations.

Marriage is almost like a very difficult sale. When you go to a car dealership, the car salesman present his best self and the best features of the car. He becomes very offended if you asked difficult questions. What happen to us in the marriage discourse, we actually market ourselves- the boy, the girl and the family market themselves. They turn themselves and conversations into something that is not the representation of who they are. And after marriage, you find out they are completely different people. You will find parents who thought that if they marry their son to a good girl or their daughter to a righteous boy, things will work out fine. So all the really negative things like health problems, or messed up things that you know about your child, you don't tell anyone, even the family that you are dealing with and you keep it hidden as best you can because if that family found out then they won't marry your child. On top of that because you have been telling yourself so much that there is nothing wrong with your child so much so you start believing it. This kind of scamming, which you would think would happen in the sales industry is actually happening in marriage situation. This is a huge crisis.

To prevent this crisis, the families and future bride and groom should be mature in the pre marital process. The boy and the girl, particularly, should hold back their emotions and infatuation until after marriage because when you are already infatuated with the potential spouse, you cannot have an intellectually sound conversation anymore. There are serious things that need to be settled first. Parents should be honest and disclose anything that is wrong with their child during this process.

What if you find out the problem after marriage that cannot be easily fixed?

Fiqh of marriage is placed under sales and contracts in fiqh books for a reason. In sales contracts, if you don't get what you bargained for or if you get a defective product, you may cancel the contract or get a replacement. In marriage situation, there is annulment or divorce. Of course it is more difficult to tell someone 'you are divorced' then it is to return a defective product to a seller or manufacturer, because here we are dealing with more complicated human emotions, but similar to the the advise given during pre-marital process, you need to put a break on your emotions and infatuation that may have developed after the marriage because then and only then you can make an intellectually sound decision about what to do with the marriage.

If you are confused, here are some of the things that can guide you to a sound decision. You have to constantly remind yourself of the purpose of this life and that this life is perishing.

وَمَا خَلَقْتُ الْجِنَّ وَالْإِنسَ إِلَّا لِيَعْبُدُونِ ﴿٥٦﴾

And I did not create the jinn and mankind except to worship Me. (56) [Qur'an, Adh-Dhariyat 51:56]

ٱلْمَالُ وَٱلْبَنُونَ زِينَةُ ٱلْحَيَو‌ٰةِ ٱلدُّنْيَا ۖ وَٱلْبَـٰقِيَـٰتُ ٱلصَّـٰلِحَـٰتُ خَيْرٌ‌ عِندَ رَ‌بِّكَ ثَوَابًا وَخَيْرٌ‌ أَمَلًا ﴿٤٦﴾ وَيَوْمَ نُسَيِّرُ‌ ٱلْجِبَالَ وَتَرَ‌ى ٱلْأَرْ‌ضَ بَارِ‌زَةً وَحَشَرْ‌نَـٰهُمْ فَلَمْ نُغَادِرْ‌ مِنْهُمْ أَحَدًا ﴿٤٧﴾ وَعُرِ‌ضُوا۟ عَلَىٰ رَ‌بِّكَ صَفًّا لَّقَدْ جِئْتُمُونَا كَمَا خَلَقْنَـٰكُمْ أَوَّلَ مَرَّ‌ةٍۭ ۚ بَلْ زَعَمْتُمْ أَلَّن نَّجْعَلَ لَكُم مَّوْعِدًا ﴿٤٨﴾ وَوُضِعَ ٱلْكِتَـٰبُ فَتَرَ‌ى ٱلْمُجْرِ‌مِينَ مُشْفِقِينَ مِمَّا فِيهِ وَيَقُولُونَ يَـٰوَيْلَتَنَا مَالِ هَـٰذَا ٱلْكِتَـٰبِ لَا يُغَادِرُ‌ صَغِيرَ‌ةً وَلَا كَبِيرَ‌ةً إِلَّآ أَحْصَىٰهَا ۚ وَوَجَدُوا۟ مَا عَمِلُوا۟ حَاضِرً‌ۭا ۗ وَلَا يَظْلِمُ رَ‌بُّكَ أَحَدًا ﴿٤٩﴾

Wealth and children are [but] adornment of the worldly life. But the enduring good deeds are better to your Lord for reward and better for [one's] hope. (46) And [warn of] the Day when We will remove the mountains and you will see the earth prominent, and We will gather them and not leave behind from them anyone. (47) And they will be presented before your Lord in rows, [and He will say], "You have certainly come to Us just as We created you the first time. But you claimed that We would never make for you an appointment." (48) And the record [of deeds] will be placed [open], and you will see the criminals fearful of that within it, and they will say, "Oh, woe to us! What is this book that leaves nothing small or great except that it has enumerated it?" And they will find what they did present [before them]. And your Lord does injustice to no one. (49) [Qur'an, al-Kahf 18:46-49]

Focus on the prize that Allah has guaranteed to the believers who do righteous deeds. What awaits us after this life is better and worth much much more than anything on this earth.

وُجُوهٌ يَوْمَئِذٍ نَّاضِرَ‌ةٌ ﴿٢٢﴾ إِلَىٰ رَ‌بِّهَا نَاظِرَ‌ةٌ ﴿٢٣﴾ وَوُجُوهٌ يَوْمَئِذٍۭ بَاسِرَ‌ةٌ ﴿٢٤﴾ تَظُنُّ أَن يُفْعَلَ بِهَا فَاقِرَ‌ةٌ ﴿٢٥

[Some] faces, that Day, will be radiant, (22) Looking at their Lord. (23) And [some] faces, that Day, will be contorted, (24) [Qur'an, Al-Qiyaamah 75:22-24]

وَبَشِّرِ‌ ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُوا۟ وَعَمِلُوا۟ ٱلصَّـٰلِحَـٰتِ أَنَّ لَهُمْ جَنَّـٰتٍ تَجْرِ‌ى مِن تَحْتِهَا ٱلْأَنْهَـٰرُ‌ ۖ كُلَّمَا رُ‌زِقُوا۟ مِنْهَا مِن ثَمَرَ‌ةٍ رِّ‌زْقًا ۙ قَالُوا۟ هَـٰذَا ٱلَّذِى رُ‌زِقْنَا مِن قَبْلُ ۖ وَأُتُوا۟ بِهِۦ مُتَشَـٰبِهًا ۖ وَلَهُمْ فِيهَآ أَزْوَ‌ٰجٌ مُّطَهَّرَ‌ةٌ ۖ وَهُمْ فِيهَا خَـٰلِدُونَ ﴿٢٥

And give good tidings to those who believe and do righteous deeds that they will have gardens [in Paradise] beneath which rivers flow. Whenever they are provided with a provision of fruit therefrom, they will say, "This is what we were provided with before." And it is given to them in likeness. And they will have therein purified spouses, and they will abide therein eternally. (25) [Qur'an, Al-Baqarah 2:25]

Stay focus on this big prize, don't let your spouse, your children, your mother-in-law, your friends or the whole world for that matter, prevent you or slow you down from getting that prize.

Everything we do have psychological and social consequences. Lies and dishonesty certainly don't belong in marriage at all. It has deepest spirituality problem. Shamefulness, bashfulness and modesty (haya') is more than putting on your hijaabs or niqaabs. It is your character and it is part of faith. You can't have haya' if you are dishonest. Observing haya' will help your spirituality and violating it will hurt your spirituality. The light in your heart will get damaged with dishonesty.

ٱللَّهُ نُورُ‌ ٱلسَّمَـٰوَ‌ٰتِ وَٱلْأَرْ‌ضِ ۚ مَثَلُ نُورِ‌هِۦ كَمِشْكَو‌ٰةٍ فِيهَا مِصْبَاحٌ ۖ ٱلْمِصْبَاحُ فِى زُجَاجَةٍ ۖ ٱلزُّجَاجَةُ كَأَنَّهَا كَوْكَبٌ دُرِّ‌ىٌّ يُوقَدُ مِن شَجَرَ‌ةٍ مُّبَـٰرَ‌كَةٍ زَيْتُونَةٍ لَّا شَرْ‌قِيَّةٍ وَلَا غَرْ‌بِيَّةٍ يَكَادُ زَيْتُهَا يُضِىٓءُ وَلَوْ لَمْ تَمْسَسْهُ نَارٌ‌ۭ ۚ نُّورٌ‌ عَلَىٰ نُورٍ‌ۢ ۗ يَهْدِى ٱللَّهُ لِنُورِ‌هِۦ مَن يَشَآءُ ۚ وَيَضْرِ‌بُ ٱللَّهُ ٱلْأَمْثَـٰلَ لِلنَّاسِ ۗ وَٱللَّهُ بِكُلِّ شَىْءٍ عَلِيمٌ ﴿٣٥

Allah is the Light of the heavens and the earth. The example of His light is like a niche within which is a lamp, the lamp is within glass, the glass as if it were a pearly [white] star lit from [the oil of] a blessed olive tree, neither of the east nor of the west, whose oil would almost glow even if untouched by fire. Light upon light. Allah guides to His light whom He wills. And Allah presents examples for the people, and Allah is Knowing of all things. (35) [Qur'an, An-Nur 24:35]

May Allah shower us with His Light and ease our affairs. Ameen.

And Allah knows best and He alone grant success.

Allahumma salli 'ala Muhammad wa 'ala aalihi wa sahbihi wassallam.

Wassalaam