Don't Try To Make A Point

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
In the Name of Allah, Most Merciful, Most Compassionate
Assalaamu alaykum

Dear Friends

I pray that you are well.

Respect is not unique to elders but to others as well.

Allah says,

وَلَقَدْ كَرَّمْنَا بَنِىٓ ءَادَمَ وَحَمَلْنَـٰهُمْ فِى ٱلْبَرِّ وَٱلْبَحْرِ وَرَزَقْنَـٰهُم مِّنَ ٱلطَّيِّبَـٰتِ وَفَضَّلْنَـٰهُمْ عَلَىٰ كَثِيرٍ مِّمَّنْ خَلَقْنَا تَفْضِيلًا ﴿٧٠

And We have certainly honored the children of Adam and carried them on the land and sea and provided for them of the good things and preferred them over much of what We have created, with [definite] preference. (70)

This is the Divine honoring of human beings. This Divine honoring requires from us something, which is the basis of our dealing with other people, that we look on people with the eye of honoring them. We honor people through respectful conduct.

The respect for others entails you uphold manners. Your words and actions towards others should be expressive of respect. This respect relates to our peers, elders and those younger than us.

The prevalent expression of adab towards our elders and peers is respect with words and deeds. With children and those younger than us, it is mercy. Mercy, when expressed towards children is necessarily couched with respect. Part of being merciful to children is listening to them, paying attention to them, putting them forward when appropriate, and disciplining them when appropriate.

Respect and deference to elders is to recognize the status of elders and give them due respect.

The Prophet, Allah bless him and grant him peace, had warned us: "Whoever who does not respect our elders is not of us." [Related by Ahmad, Tirmidhi and others]

When we walk with elders, we would walk slightly behind them and it is better to walk to their right because if the elder person is upholding proper manners, they would turn their head towards to the left, if they would sneeze.

We open doors for the elders and keep the door open until they enter. We give them precedent in entering and exiting. People of adab among the elders, they would hasten to be respectful towards children and those younger than them as well.

When you sit with them or discuss with them, you listen rather than speaking. We should not be dismissive of elders. We don't adopt this attitude of "I know better" because this is the attitude of Iblis. His attitude towards Adam was "I am better than him" and this arrogance brought him down and made him an outcast. This is not the attitude of a believer. When you find this attitude, say a'udhubillahi minash shaytaanirrajim (I seek refuge with Allah from the accursed Shaytan) and astaghfirullah (I seek forgiveness from Allah).

Older people have experience just by virtue of their age. Listen to their voices of experience. Listen to not just what they are saying but where they are coming from. Listen with your heart. They may say something absurd to you, but at least listen to their concern for you. Your heart should hear what others are expressing. Your job is be respectful. You empathize with them, listen attentively, and seek clarification when it is not clear or sounds negative or absurd to you. If your opinion is different, remain calm. Whatever you do, don't be angry.

A man came the Prophet, Allah bless him and grant him peace, and asked him for advice three times, and the Prophet, Allah bless him and grant him peace, answered each time, "Don't be angry."

Respecting the elders is more important than making your point. If you are angry, go drink some water or take wudu'.

The Prophet, Allah bless him and grant him peace, said: “Anger is an ember from the fire.”
The Devil overcomes man on three occasions: when he is angry, when he feels lust, and when he is in a state of forgetfulness.

We have to be most careful about having respect towards our elders, showing compassion to them. This is what keeps families together because families revolve around elders. Your point of relating to siblings is your parents and your point of relating to your cousins is your aunts and uncles. If you are not respectful toward your elders your relationship with those of your age and younger in families will wither and weaken. Consequently, our communities and societies will wither away.

Being respectful of people put them at ease. Allah has created human with a need to be respected. This does not mean we belittle and put down youths. The Prophet, Allah bless him and grant him peace, went out of his way to give attention to youths. There are hadiths narrated by the young companions, in which the foundation of Islam revolves around.

For example, a hadith narrated by Abdullah ibn Umar, that the Prophet, Allah bless him and grant him peace, put his hands on Abdullah's shoulder, and said: "Be in the world as though you were a stranger or a wayfarer."

Abdullah ibn Abbas, narrated this hadith:

One day I was behind the Prophet, Allah bless him and grant him peace, [riding on the same mount] and he said:

O young man, I shall teach you some words [of advice]: Be Mindful of Allah and Allah will protect you. Be Mindful of Allah and you will find Him in front of you. If you ask, then ask Allah [alone]; and if you seek help, then seek help from Allah [alone]. And know that if the Nation were to gather together to benefit you with anything, they would not benefit you except with what Allah had already prescribed for you. And if they were to gather together to harm you with anything, they would not harm you except with what Allah had already prescribed against you. The Pens have been lifted and the Pages have dried.

[Tirmidhi]

Hasan ibn Ali, who was very young when his grandfather, Allah bless him and grant him peace, died, related the principle of caution. He related, "I memorized from the Messenger of Allah, Allah bless him and grant him peace, 'Leave that which makes you doubt for what that which does not make you doubt.'"

The Prophet, Allah bless him and grant him peace, has this great care for the young. At the same time, he honored the young by giving them preeminence. For example, one of the last commands of the Prophet, Allah bless him and grant him peace, was that he made Usama ibn Zayd, who was in his teens at the time, the commander of the Muslim army going out on an expedition with senior and leading companions like Abu Bakr, Umar and others.

We learn manners from people of manners. So seek those people of manners and keep righteous company.

May Allah grant us good manners and righteous companions. Ameen.

Please don't forget us in your night prayers. Jazakallahu khairan.

Related archive: Manners with Allah Most High

And Allah knows best.
Wassalaam