Marriage is Not to Isolate Yourself and Weaken the Family Unit

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
In the Name of Allah, Most Merciful, Most Compassionate

Assalaamu alaykum

Dear Friends

I pray that you are well.

The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wassallam said: “The son of Adam will not pass away from Allah until He is asked about five things: how he lived his life, and how he utilized his youth, with what means did he earn his wealth, how did he spend his wealth, and what did he do with his knowledge.” [Good hadith reported by Imam At-Tirmidhi]

We must not forget that we are put on this earth to be the khalifah, not to corrupt the earth.

وَإِذْ قَالَ رَ‌بُّكَ لِلْمَلَـٰٓئِكَةِ إِنِّى جَاعِلٌ فِى ٱلْأَرْ‌ضِ خَلِيفَةً ۖ قَالُوٓا۟ أَتَجْعَلُ فِيهَا مَن يُفْسِدُ فِيهَا وَيَسْفِكُ ٱلدِّمَآءَ وَنَحْنُ نُسَبِّحُ بِحَمْدِكَ وَنُقَدِّسُ لَكَ ۖ قَالَ إِنِّىٓ أَعْلَمُ مَا لَا تَعْلَمُونَ ﴿٣٠

And [mention, O Muhammad], when your Lord said to the angels, "Indeed, I will make upon the earth a successive authority." They said, "Will You place upon it one who causes corruption therein and sheds blood, while we declare Your praise and sanctify You?" Allah said, "Indeed, I know that which you do not know." (30) [Qur'an, Al-Baqarah 2:30]

And what do people do? They corrupt the earth. Corrupting the earth is not simply mean destroying habitats, killing animal, insect and plant life and driving species into extinction. You play a vital role in corrupting the earth and you start doing so by not being good to your family. Being bad to your family -- neglecting them, not fulfilling your duties towards them, not respecting your elders, etc, tears at the fabric of society and contributes to the breakdown of the family unit.

Family is an important unit in a society. When the family unit is weak, the society is weak and all kinds of evil will start to spread. People start to oppress each other, fight with each other, envy each other, gossip about each other, accuse each other, lie to each other, steal from each other, even kill each other for their small piece of pie... When people are busy with those things and by standers are busy with the news, then nothing gets done or get done properly. Whereas when the family unit is strong, the society is strong. When the society is strong, people flourish and we can live in peace. In turn we can focus on our worship of Allah, which is the reason for our creation, as Allah Most High says,

وَمَا خَلَقْتُ الْجِنَّ وَالْإِنسَ إِلَّا لِيَعْبُدُونِ ﴿٥٦

And I did not create the jinn and mankind except to worship Me. (56) [Qur'an, Adh-Dhariyat 51:56]

Allah did not create us and let us go out on a limb. He gives us guidance and the formula to live a harmonious and successful life. Most of the times we ignore the guidance and we refused to adopt the formula. That's how we get into so much problems.

When we were born up until young adulthood, for the most part, we were dependent on our parents and we absorbed their values, and not much outside factors that can influence us to contradict our own family values. We look towards our own family for support and for guidance. But after we got married things suddenly change. We have a new set of family and a new set of values. And that is one of the biggest challenges in marriage to harmonize the two -- our existing family values and the new ones. Remember, people are created different. Each of us are unique in our own ways. How we deal with these differences can lead to clashes rather than harmony. When clashes happens, you just have to grow up fast and not let your emotions dictate your actions.

Marriage is a means to widen and strengthen the family unit, not to isolate yourself and weaken the family unit. We were created with a bundle of responsibilities as the khalifah on earth, and when we get married, the responsibilities become magnified. Marriage is a bigger portion of that bundle of responsibilities, not fun and game.

Al-Bayhaqi narrated in Shu’ab al-Eemaan from al-Raqaashi: “When a person gets married he has completed half of his religion, so let him fear Allah with regard to the other half.” Al-Albaani said of these two hadeeths in Saheeh al-Targheeb wa’l-Tarheeb (1916): “(They are) hasan li ghayrihi.

People often focus on the responsibilities towards the new family after they get married. But how about your responsibilities towards the family you grew up with? Some people ignored or totally abandoned the family that started their existence on this earth. This is how normally conflict arise after marriage.

That's why if you are blessed with a righteous spouse, half of your battle is won. But if you don't have a righteous spouse, the conflict will escalate and your religion will suffer.

Al-Haakim narrated in al-Mustadrak from Anas, in a marfoo’ report: “Whomever Allah blesses with a righteous wife, He has helped him with half of his religion, so let him fear Allah with regard to the other half.”

But don't mistake true righteousness with outward righteousness. For Allah Most High says,

لَّيْسَ ٱلْبِرَّ‌ أَن تُوَلُّوا۟ وُجُوهَكُمْ قِبَلَ ٱلْمَشْرِ‌قِ وَٱلْمَغْرِ‌بِ وَلَـٰكِنَّ ٱلْبِرَّ‌ مَنْ ءَامَنَ بِٱللَّهِ وَٱلْيَوْمِ ٱلْءَاخِرِ‌ وَٱلْمَلَـٰٓئِكَةِ وَٱلْكِتَـٰبِ وَٱلنَّبِيِّـۧنَ وَءَاتَى ٱلْمَالَ عَلَىٰ حُبِّهِۦ ذَوِى ٱلْقُرْ‌بَىٰ وَٱلْيَتَـٰمَىٰ وَٱلْمَسَـٰكِينَ وَٱبْنَ ٱلسَّبِيلِ وَٱلسَّآئِلِينَ وَفِى ٱلرِّ‌قَابِ وَأَقَامَ ٱلصَّلَو‌ٰةَ وَءَاتَى ٱلزَّكَو‌ٰةَ وَٱلْمُوفُونَ بِعَهْدِهِمْ إِذَا عَـٰهَدُوا۟ ۖ وَٱلصَّـٰبِرِ‌ينَ فِى ٱلْبَأْسَآءِ وَٱلضَّرَّ‌آءِ وَحِينَ ٱلْبَأْسِ ۗ أُو۟لَـٰٓئِكَ ٱلَّذِينَ صَدَقُوا۟ ۖ وَأُو۟لَـٰٓئِكَ هُمُ ٱلْمُتَّقُونَ ﴿١٧٧

Righteousness is not that you turn your faces toward the east or the west, but [true] righteousness is [in] one who believes in Allah, the Last Day, the angels, the Book, and the prophets and gives wealth, in spite of love for it, to relatives, orphans, the needy, the traveler, those who ask [for help], and for freeing slaves; [and who] establishes prayer and gives zakah; [those who] fulfill their promise when they promise; and [those who] are patient in poverty and hardship and during battle. Those are the ones who have been true, and it is those who are the righteous. (177) [Qur'an, Al-Baqarah 2:177]

Everybody have problems in their marriage. You will have problems in your marriage too. This is why it is better to marry with your family on your side. It is because whenever you have problems in your marriage, you are going to go towards your family for support even if you think you are not going to count on them.

If you have a marriage when the two families don't like each other or parents don't like the other person, when those marital problems start to take place, they won't have anyone to go to for true support. The external environment is actually pushing them to separate. If everything around you is pushing you to separate, you are more likely to get divorce than stay married.

It is important that families get along. It is that crucial in marriage to be successful. Do not sacrifice a relationship that started your existence on this earth for a person you only know for two or three months. If your parents doesn't like the other person, remember there is plenty of fish in the sea.

Everybody goes through a phase. Make sure you consider all of the facts before making any decision in your life that go against your family.

May Allah bring harmony to our families. Ameen.

And Allah knows best and He is the source of strength and He alone grant success.

Allahumma salli 'ala Muhammad wa 'ala aalihi wa sahbihi wassallam.

Wassalaam