Don't Settle For The Wrong Person-- Some Questions to Ponder Before You Marry Her/Him

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
In the Name of Allah, Most Merciful, Most Compassionate

Assalaamu alaykum

Dear Friends

I pray that you are well.

The person seeking marriage must have his/her priorities straight and be clear on what characteristics are most important to be sought in a spouse in order to have a successful marriage. There are many characteristics that are important in a husband or a wife but some are much more important than others. Overemphasizing the wrong qualities can lead to disaster down the road just as being neglectful of certain considerations can do likewise.

When we come to understand the goals and priorities of marriage in Islam, we may be guided to the Islamic methodology of seeking marriage in Islam and stop blindly following the disbelievers in their ignorant notions of the importance of "getting to know each other" or dating and other such concepts which in reality contribute nothing to and more often sabotage a successful marriage.

The Prophet (Allah bless him and grant him peace) taught us in many hadith about the various characteristics which one looks for in a spouse and their relative importance and which ones determine success and Allah's blessing on a marriage. Among those hadith:

"A woman is married for her deen (Islam), her wealth or her beauty. You must go for the one with deen, may your hands be in the dust! (if you fail to heed)" [Muslim]

"Choose carefully for your seed. Marry those who are equivalent (or "qualified") and give to them in marriage." Ibn Majah and others and it is sahih.

Religion

In the previous hadith, the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) mentioned various characteristics that people, by their nature and custom, look for in a spouse. He did not advocate any of them, but merely stated them as facts of human nature except for the issue of "deen", i.e., a prospective spouses piety and practice of Islam - their fulfilling of the wajib and their avoidance of the haram. About this characteristic, the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said "alaikum bi dhaati ad-deen" or "it is upon you to seek the one of piety". This is an order and quite different from the general statement at the beginning of the hadith which says "a woman IS MARRIED for..." and separates the issue of deen from the other mundane issues and puts it in a category by itself. Also, when the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) says at the end of the hadith "may your hands be in the dust", invoking this negative outcome on those who disregard his order, it can only refer to the order to seek the spouse with piety, since that is the only order in the hadith.

We must be careful not to be superficial in this issue. The mere wearing of hijab or keeping a beard and praying in the masjid, while obvious requirements of piety, do not by themselves guarantee it. There are many people who at first glance appear to be abiding by Islam, but upon closer inspection have a twisted understanding of Islam and their practice in reality may leave much to be desired. 'Umar once told someone who had testified to the goodness of a person by the fact that he had seen him in the masjid that he does not know him as long as he has not had dealings with him that involved money, had lived with him or traveled with him.

The characteristic of piety applies to the groom just as much as to the bride. The guardian of the woman should make this his first and top priority just as the man looking for a wife should make it his. The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said:

"If someone with whose piety and character you are satisfied with comes to you, marry to him. If you do not do so, there will be trials in the earth and a great deal of evil." [At-Tirmidhi and others and it is hassan]

Character and Behavior

In the previous hadith addressed to those in charge of the marital affairs of Muslim women and girls, the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) commanded them to facilitate their marriage when they are satisfied with two issues: the faith of the suitor and his character.

Character is of extreme importance in Islam and goes hand in hand with faith and piety. The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) has even described it as the purpose of his mission to mankind as we can see from the following hadith:

"I have only been sent to complete good character." [Al-Hakim and others (sahih)]

"I am a guarantor of a house in the highest part of Paradise for one who makes his character good." [Abu Dawud and it is hassan]

"Righteousness is good character." [Muslim]

"The believers with the most complete iman (faith) are those with the best character." [Abu Dawud and it is sahih]

In Surah An-Nur verse 26, Allah establishes the relation of this issue to marriage:

الْخَبِيثَاتُ لِلْخَبِيثِينَ وَالْخَبِيثُونَ لِلْخَبِيثَاتِ ۖ وَالطَّيِّبَاتُ لِلطَّيِّبِينَ وَالطَّيِّبُونَ لِلطَّيِّبَاتِ ۚ أُولَـٰئِكَ مُبَرَّ‌ءُونَ مِمَّا يَقُولُونَ ۖ لَهُم مَّغْفِرَ‌ةٌ وَرِ‌زْقٌ كَرِ‌يمٌ ﴿٢٦

"Bad women are for bad men and bad men are for bad women. And good women are for good men and good men are for good women." [Quran, An-Nur 24:26]

The word khabith translated as "bad" above means filthy, unclean and despicable. It is a very strong word. The word tayyib translated as good, connotes clean and pure as well as good.

One of the important issues of character in the spouses is the quality of wudd. This means kindness, loving and compassion. The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said:

"Marry the loving/friendly, the child-bearing for I shall outstrip the other nations with your numbers on Qiyamah." Ahmad, Abu Dawud and others and it is [Sahih]

Therefore, the prospective spouses must ask and find out about the other person's behavior and manners. As a sign also, one may look at the other person's family's manners and behavior and many times (but no always) the behavior of people of the same family are similar. In other words, some characteristics tend to run in some families whether they be good or bad characters such as anger, politeness, stinginess, generosity, lying, truthfulness, selfishness, compassion, and so forth.

Child-Bearing

As we saw in the previous hadith, the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) recommended men to marry those women who are child-bearing. This characteristic is related to some of the goals and purposes of marriage that were mentioned earlier such as procreating the Muslim Ummah, raising a pious family as a cornerstone of society and so forth.

The scholars mention that a man can look at a woman's female relatives to get an idea whether she is apt to get pregnant easily and often or not. This attribute should also apply to the man. For example a man who say before Islam had a vasectomy would not be an appropriate husband for a Muslim girl getting married for the first time.

Beauty

This characteristic has a certain role to play since one of the purposes of marriage is to keep both spouses from sins. The best way to do this is to have a strong attraction between the spouses. Although this is something which surely grows over time, initial impressions can in some cases become an obstacle to a successful marriage. The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) separated Qais ibn Shamas from his wife in the famous case of Khul'a and her stated reason was that he was exceedingly displeasing to her. There are many hadith which urge the prospective spouse to get a look at the other before undertaking the marriage. Once a companion told him (peace and blessings be upon him) that he was going to get married. The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) asked if he had seen her. When the man said no, he (peace and blessings be upon him) said:

"Go and look at her for it is more likely to engender love between the two of you." [Ahmad and others and it is sahih]

'Umar ibn Al-Khattab once said: "Do not force your young girls to marry an ugly man, for they also love what you love." Ibn Abidin (a famous faqih from last century) said: "The woman should choose a man who is religious, of good character, generous and of ample wealth. She should not marry an evildoer. A person should not marry his young daughter to an old man and an ugly man but he should marry her to one similar."

Beauty has its role, but remember that it is way down on the priority list under piety, character and deen. When a person puts beauty above all else, the results can be disastrous. This is one of the big reasons that young people seeking to get married must be helped by more mature family members in making their choice.

As a family law attorney and divorce mediator, I’m privileged to be privy to the many discussions between clients describing the reasons for the demise of their marriage. It’s cathartic for most, who often need to identify the reason or reasons for their failed marriage. Interestingly, many of my clients come to the surprising conclusion that it’s not all necessarily attributable to the other person, but rather, their own fault for selecting the wrong person to marry in the first place. Could it be that sometimes we are just too young emotionally to marry?

Following are some questions to ponder before you marry her/him. This can help you evaluate whether the decision to marry is based upon sound reasoning.

(1) Is the timing right?

You’ve heard it before; timing is everything. And the reality is that the strongest marriages begin with optimal timing for both parties.

(2) Why this person?

“Nine times out of ten, marriages fall apart because people either pick the wrong person or marry for the wrong reasons,” says Dan Neuharth, Ph.D., a licensed marriage and family therapist in San Francisco and author of Secrets You Keep From Yourself. “Marrying someone primarily because other potential partners seem few and far between or because you feel you need to be married to feel OK about yourself is what keeps divorce lawyers busy.” If thoughts like: “I am so tired of being alone,” “It’s better than nothing” or “Nobody else seems to want me, so this is probably the best I can do” are what predominantly come to your mind, run — don’t walk — in the other direction. You’re not ready to be married yet, and this isn’t the right long-term partner for you.

(3) Are you marrying a person or the dream?

“You are marrying a person, not a romantic movie, and people don’t follow scripts.” Try to recognize whether or not you are idealizing marriage or the wedding. Be realistic with your expectations, because once all the fun and parties are over, you have real life to contend with. Picture the wedding of your dreams: Is this the partner you’d always imagined would be waiting for you? If a celebrity or former flame comes to mind instead, think twice. Those aren’t options, and you’re going to end up disappointed later on.

(4) Is marrying this person in line with your lifelong goals?

Ask yourself if marriage at this time with this person is really part of the vision you have for your life’s plan. Are you willing to compromise your own dreams because you love this person so much that you can’t imagine being without each other, and are therefore willing to forge new goals together? Or will you resent your partner for keeping you from pursuing what you think you want out of life?

(5) Is my potential spouse emotionally healthy?

Marriage is serious business and when you’re selecting a lifelong partner, you need to be sure that person is emotionally healthy — or, at least, working on becoming that way. “Admitting your partner is a ‘fixer-upper’ and hoping your marriage will serve as that person’s support system is a recipe for disaster,” says Dr. Anderson. “Typically, once the partner gets ‘fixed,’ he or she will move on to someone else, because the glue that held you together was the common goal of healing, which has been accomplished.” Finally, Dr. Anderson warns that if any of the three “A's” are present in your relationship — abuse, anger, or addiction — your decision to reject your partner’s proposal should be quite clear.

(6) Do you appreciate all his/her aspects equally, and without expecting him /her to change for you once you’re married?

You need to marry the person he or she is right NOW — idiosyncrasies, foibles, quirks and all.” In other words, don’t talk yourself into ignoring any qualities that you know will spell trouble for your relationship in the long run! The right spouse will support your ambitions and encourage your dreams.

(7) Do you bring out the best in each other... or the worst?

There’s nothing worse than walking on eggshells around another person or feeling off-balance in a relationship. “If you find yourself avoiding difficult conversations or stressed by the hum of low-level anxiety, it’s time to reevaluate!”

(8) Can you count on your potential spouse to always do the right thing?

While it may be hard to picture yourself 15 years from now with how ever many kids, it’s important to look ahead and think about what kind of a friend, neighbor, in-law, parent or coworker your partner will become. “Be honest: Do you think he/she will do the right thing when it comes to friends and family, even when it is inconvenient or something he or she doesn’t like to do?”

(9) Is fear of being alone your primary motivation to get married?

Be sure there’s absolutely no fear involved in making your decision to get married. We live in a world that seemingly caters to couples, and many people can’t wait to rid themselves of the perceived stigma of being single. You should only marryl because you know this person is right for you and vice-versa, not because you’re afraid of being left out of some couples-only clique or worried how others perceive you socially.

While there are many right reasons people marry the right person, there are also many wrong reasons people marry the wrong one. Before you get into marriage, consider the following top five wrong reasons people decide to marry the wrong person, ultimately resulting in divorce:

1. Next Step. They've been dating a long time, and this is the next step. The length of a relationship is not a measure of it’s long-term success.
2. Peer Pressure. All of my friends are getting married ... it’s time. Feeling left out of the group may feel awkward, but is not a good reason to jump into marriage.
3. Settling. I don’t think I’ll do any better. It may sound cliché, but if you don’t respect and love yourself, it will be difficult to respect and love another person.
4. Behavior Modification. After we get married, I can force the other person to change. A marriage certificate is not a license to force your partner to modify his/her behaviors!
5. Money. He/She will be a good provider or comes from a good family. There’s a lot of truth in the old saying, “If you marry for money, you’ll pay for it.” Though having money certainly doesn’t hurt, it’s not the basis for a solid relationship and won’t hold together a bad union. And coming from a good family is important-- so make sure the family and relatives who are close to your potential spouse have good morals and character.

If you see yourself in any of the above “wrong reasons” list, think twice before committing to marriage, and save yourself from a lengthy, expensive, and emotionally-draining future divorce proceeding.

Recognize red flags
Stop settling for the wrong person
Find the courage to break it off even if it is the day of your wedding, cut your losses, and move on

May Allah grant us righteous spouses and make us righteous. Ameen.

And Allah knows best and He alone grant success.

Allahumma salli 'ala Muhammad wa 'ala aalihi wa sahbihi wassallam.

Wassalaam