Love, Marriage and Addiction

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
In the Name of Allah, Most Merciful, Most Compassionate

Assalaamu alaykum

Dear Friends

I pray that you are well.

Love is not a mental illness nor addiction. If love is looking like a mental illness, then it is not love. Love is not supposed to make you like drug addicts. If what you love has made you unable to function, if it has taken off your sanity and you are willing to sacrifice anything for it, then it is not love. It is more like addiction, it is more like slavery.

What many people call love is actually not love. It is hawa (desires) as Allah describe in the Qur'an:

أَفَرَ‌أَيْتَ مَنِ اتَّخَذَ إِلَـٰهَهُ هَوَاهُ وَأَضَلَّهُ اللَّـهُ عَلَىٰ عِلْمٍ وَخَتَمَ عَلَىٰ سَمْعِهِ وَقَلْبِهِ وَجَعَلَ عَلَىٰ بَصَرِ‌هِ غِشَاوَةً فَمَن يَهْدِيهِ مِن بَعْدِ اللَّـهِ ۚ أَفَلَا تَذَكَّرُ‌ونَ ﴿٢٣

Have you seen he who has taken as his god his [own] desire, and Allah has sent him astray due to knowledge and has set a seal upon his hearing and his heart and put over his vision a veil? So who will guide him after Allah? Then will you not be reminded? (23)

[Qur'an, Al-Jathiya 45:23]

There is a group of people that Allah describes that they take their "hawa" as their "ilah" (god(. What that means is that anything their desires tell them to do, they obey. This is the person, regardless of morality, regardless of right or wrong, they would do anything what their desire tell them to do even doing so is displeasing Allah. That is why it is described as a form of worship. These are the people who obey whatever their desires command. The culture we live in actually commands us to obey what we desire.

As Muslims we say "la ilaha illallah" (there is no god worthy of worship except God) many times a day during our salah. An ilah is something we worship, something we obey. It is something our entire existence revolves around.

When people take their desires as "ilah", then when you love someone, you are willing to displease Allah for the sake of that person.

Allah warns us even in the thing that is halal, we cannot love it more than Allah and His Messenger (Allah bless him and grant him peace) and striving in His cause,

قُلْ إِن كَانَ آبَاؤُكُمْ وَأَبْنَاؤُكُمْ وَإِخْوَانُكُمْ وَأَزْوَاجُكُمْ وَعَشِيرَتُكُمْ وَأَمْوَالٌ اقْتَرَفْتُمُوهَا وَتِجَارَةٌ تَخْشَوْنَ كَسَادَهَا وَمَسَاكِنُ تَرْضَوْنَهَا أَحَبَّ إِلَيْكُم مِّنَ اللَّـهِ وَرَسُولِهِ وَجِهَادٍ فِي سيلِهِ فَتَرَبَّصُوا حَتَّىٰ يَأْتِيَ اللَّـهُ بِأَمْرِهِ ۗ وَاللَّـهُ لَا يَهْدِي الْقَوْمَ الْفَاسِقِينَ

Say: 'If your fathers, your sons, your brothers, your wives, your clan, your possessions that you have gained, commerce you fear may slacken, dwellings you love -- if these are dearer to you than Allah and His Messenger, and to struggle in His way, then wait till Allah brings His command; Allah guides not the rebellious.'

(Qur'an, At-Tawba 9:24)

This Ayah is something we do need to pay attention to. Everything that is listed in this Ayah (your fathers, your sons, your brothers, your wives, your clan, your possessions that you have gained, commerce you fear may slacken, dwellings you love) is actually halal to love. But the warning here is that if any of these things you love more than Allah and His Messenger (Allah bless him and grant him peace) and striving in His cause, that is going to be a big problem-- the consequence is torment in this life before the next.

Nobody would say that they love their spouse more than Allah, but their actions are showing exactly what they are doing. Because when they are facing between what is pleasing to their spouse and what is pleasing to Allah, they end up pleasing their spouse. What happen here is that they are putting the love of a person above the love of Allah and His Messenger (Allah bless him and grant him peace). In that way they completely turn things around.

What exactly is marriage? One of the problems is that we have taken marriage as if it is the purpose of life, as if it is the end. It is as if I am living this life and the story ends at Prince Charming coming saving Cinderella and live happily ever after. This is completely wrong because the marriage itself is just a vehicle to take you to your end. What's our end? We hope that our end is Allah. We hope that everything that we do will bring us near to Allah.

Allah tells us about marriage in this Ayah,

وَمِنْ آيَاتِهِ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُم مِّنْ أَنفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَاجًا لِّتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُم مَّوَدَّةً وَرَ‌حْمَةً ۚ إِنَّ فِي ذَٰلِكَ لَآيَاتٍ لِّقَوْمٍ يَتَفَكَّرُ‌ونَ ﴿٢١

And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought. (21)

[Qur'an, Ar-Rum 30:21]

But what people don't pay attention to is the beginning of the Ayah before we go further. It begins with "And of His signs.." What is a sign? A sign is a pointer to something, it guides you to your destination. Allah is saying that the relationship between the spouses is a sign. It means that it is a sign of Allah. If that relationship is actually taking you away from Allah, is it the correct type, is it fulfilling its purpose as a sign of Allah? If it is actually acting as a barrier between you and Allah then it is not fulfilling the purpose.

wa min ayaati وَمِنْ آيَاتِهِ...it is a sign of Allah...it is intended to bring you closer to Allah when you get married, not father away. So, that is the way to know if this love good for you or bad for you. A true love is supposed to bring you closer to Allah.

litaskunu ilayha لِّتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا...that you may find tranquillity in them...
How about the type of love that is found in Romeo and Juliet, does that look like tranquility to you? No, that looks like a drug addiction and craziness. Don't think for a moment that people only get addicted to drugs. People can get addicted to other people. We can be in a very unhealthy relationship which is more like addiction. It has all the same characteristic. They go through withdrawal symptoms if they are not with the other person for a while, they can't function, they can't think about anything else, they can't talk about anything else, they can't sleep and they can't eat. This is what happen to a person who is addicted to another person. It is an unhealthy attachment and so when you don't have it for a while, it is like having a fit. You can't be with that person.

When that person doesn't work out, it causes devastation because you have allowed yourself to get attached to a person in a very unhealthy way. It becomes like taking a drug from an addict. In order to get over that type of attachment, it is very similar to getting over a drug addiction. You have to totally cut off from that drug and you will have to go through withdrawal symptoms until it stays out your system completely.

How do you tell between an unhealthy addiction and marriage in the way that Allah intends it to be? These are some fundamental questions you should asked yourself.

Does being with this person bring me closer to Allah or farther from Allah?
What do you think about all day?
what is the first thing you think about in the morning?
What is last thing you think about before you go to sleep?
What keeps you at night?
What makes you most happy, sad, and angry?
If the answer is the other person, that is the most likely an indication that you have an unhealthy attachment with the other person.

When you say "Allahu Akbar" and all you think about is that person, you have to know you have a problems, even if that person is your spouse. When you say 'Allahu Akbar" and you start to pray
you are not just saying Allah is great, but you are saying Allah is greater. Greater than what? Everything. Every movements you are making in salah, you are reminding yourself that Allah is greater-- Allah is greater than the other person, Allah is greater than whatever you are thinking about. The whole concept that Allah is greater is that there is nothing else is greater than Allah.

The first thing we should think about is "la illaha illallah" (There is nothing worthy of our worship except Allah)

The last thing we should think about before we sleep is Allah and the last thing you say before you sleep is:

اللهم أسلمت نفسي إليك، ووجهت وجهي إليك، وفوضت أمري إليك، وألجأت ظهري إليك، رغبة ورهبة إليك، لا ملجأ ولا منجى منك إلا إليك‏.‏ آمنت بكتابك الذي أنزلت ‏.‏ ونبيك الذي أرسلت

Allahumma aslamtu nafsi ilaika, wa wajjahtu wajhi ilaika, wa fawwadtu amri ilaika, wa 'alja'tu zahri ilaika, raghbatan wa rahbatan ilaika, la malja'a wa la manja illa ilaika. Amantu bikitabikal-ladhi anzalta, wa nabiyyikal-ladhi arsalta

O Allah! I have submitted myself to You, I have turned my face to You, committed my affairs to You, and depend on You for protection out of desire for You and out of fear of You (expecting Your reward and fearing Your punishment). There is no refuge and no place of safety from You but with You. I believed in the Book You have revealed, and in the Prophet You have sent (i.e., Muhammad (Allah bless him and grant him peace)

You are making this du'a that everything is towards Allah, not towards another person.

If what is filling your heart is the love of Allah, then what comes out of that is that you will begin to love everything that Allah loves, you begin to hate everything that Allah does not love, and you would not want something that is displeasing to Allah.

Even for love, do not forget Allah. Because if you forget Allah in this life, He will forget you in the Hour that matters.

May Allah make Him our only love and increase our love for His beloved Messenger (Allah bless him and grant him peace) and grant us sound understanding of His Religion. Ameen.

Allahumma salli 'ala Muhammad wa 'ala aalihi wa sahbihi wassallam.

And Allah knows best and He alone grant success.

Wassalaam