Marriage is a Means, not an End

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
In the Name of Allah, Most Merciful, Most Compassionate

Assalaamu alaykum

Dear Friends

I pray that you are well.

The myth that we inherit from the media and love stories is that we get married for the purpose of this other person completing us as a human being and to make us happy. This is very dangerous idea because that is expecting something from a human being which another human being cannot do for you. If you expect another person to make you happy, then you will never find consistent happiness and fulfillment. Happiness can't come from the creation. Happiness can only come from Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala (Glorious and Exalted). The One who can fix you is Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala, and the only thing that can fulfill and complete you is your relationship with Allah Mighty and Majestic.

The ultimate objective in a relationship is beyond fulfilling one self. It has a greater objective which is to bring you closer to Allah and the ultimate objective which is Jannah and His Noble Countenance.

"When a person gets married he has completed half of his religion, so let him fear Allah with regard to the other half." [Baihaqi]

Marriage is a training ground for that half of your deen. The idea is that rather than being a place for you to be fulfilled, it is a place for your character development. If you think about the type of attributes and character traits (such as patience, generosity, appreciation, tactfulness, thoughtfulness, decisiveness, humility, attentiveness, cooperation, compassion, mercifulness, truthfulness, persuasiveness, loyalty, mercy, courtesy) actually there is no better way than marriage to build those character traits but it is very easy to bring the worst out of you if there is no fear of Allah.

Allah's Messenger (Allah bless him and grant him peace) said, "The best of you is he who is best to his family, and I am the best among you to my family. [At-Tirmidhi]

It is very easy to be polite to your neighbor once in a while or the person at the grocery store because you really don't have to interact with them that much. It is very easy to be polite to your boss because he gives you your paycheck. Family is always going to be there and it is very easy to take them for granted and you can get away with more with your family. So, the person who is going to be the best is the one who is the best even when it is not easy to be the best.

The Prophet (Allah bless him and grant him peace) said about good character:

"The best among you are the best in character (having good manners)." [Bukhari]

"There is nothing heavier than good character put in the Scale of a believer on the Day of Resurrection." [Sunan Abu Dawood]

"The most beloved to me amongst you is the one who has the best character and manners." [Bukhari]

"I was sent to perfect noble character."

He (Allah bless him and grant him peace) was the most famous of humanity for high moral conduct and virtue. He appeared in the heart of a desert which was almost the most uncivilized part of the then inhabited world and where people were immersed in the worst kinds of immorality. Then, who do you think brought him up as the most virtuous one with the highest morality and best conduct? He had lost his father while he was yet in the womb of his mother. When his mother died, he was only six years old. It was impossible for his grandfather and uncle to bring him up as the most virtuous of all times, as they themselves did not have all of the good moral qualities the Prophet (Allah bless him and grant him peace) had and in the same degree as he had. His teacher was Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala, as he himself said: My Lord educated me and taught me good manners, and how well He educated me and how beautifully He taught me good manners.

Aisha (may Allah be pleased with her) said the Prophet's character is the Qur'an.

Marriage is a great opportunity to develop your good character and bring you closer to Allah. But what we have done, as a community, is that we have taken marriage as an end itself rather than as a means to an end. Allah is our end, not the marriage. If your end is being in Jannah with Allah, then everything else in your life should be facilitating you in that journey. If it is not facilitating you in that journey then you look for something else to do that.

If you want to get married for the sake of your nafs, then you are going to choose your spouse very differently than if you would if your reason is to bring you closer to Allah.

Anas ibn Malik (may Allah be pleased with him) narrated that the Prophet (Allah bless him and grant him peace) said, “Whomever Allah blesses with a righteous wife, He has helped him with half of his religion, so let him fear Allah with regard to the other half.” [Al-Hakim in al-Mustadrak]

When choosing a spouse, righteousness should be on top of your list because a righteous spouse will save you a lot of headaches and will help you worship and obey your Lord. Bear in mind that a righteous spouse is more than someone who prays or goes to the masjid or having a beard or wearing a hijab/niqab. He or she must also have the good character traits.

Allah tells us what marriage is in the Qur'an,

وَمِنْ آيَاتِهِ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُم مِّنْ أَنفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَاجًا لِّتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُم مَّوَدَّةً وَرَ‌حْمَةً ۚ إِنَّ فِي ذَٰلِكَ لَآيَاتٍ لِّقَوْمٍ يَتَفَكَّرُ‌ونَ ﴿٢١

And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought. (21)

[Qur'an, Ar-Rum 30:21]

It is really interesting that people focus on that "love" and "mercy" but notice how Allah begins with the verse- "And of the signs (وَمِنْ آيَاتِهِ)" When you see a sign you are not suppose to get lost in the sign. The sign is pointing you to where you are supposed to be going, where to focus on. Even that love, even that mercy, is not for its own sake, it is a pointer to Allah, it is a pointer to the Love and Mercy of Allah, to the Power of Allah, and the Oneness (Tauheed) of Allah. We cannot get lost in that romantic love and make it the goal of our existence. But it is the pointer to the actual end, which is Allah- that He created all these, the same way He points us to other signs in the universe,

إِنَّ فِى خَلْقِ ٱلسَّمَـٰوَ‌ٰتِ وَٱلْأَرْ‌ضِ وَٱخْتِلَـٰفِ ٱلَّيْلِ وَٱلنَّهَارِ‌ لَءَايَـٰتٍ لِّأُو۟لِى ٱلْأَلْبَـٰبِ ﴿١٩٠

Indeed, in the creation of the heavens and the earth and the alternation of the night and the day are signs for those of understanding. (190)

[Qur'an, AleImran 3:190]

People of understanding look at these signs and they see Allah behind it. The same way as the heavens, the earth, the sun, the moon, this love and mercy is a sign of Allah's greatness. It is not a pointer to the nafs. One can sit and appreciate the sunset and if you appreciate the sunset and realize how beautiful it is without realizing the One who created that sunset, without realizing the point of the sunset and the Creator of the sunset, then you have completely missed the point. The idea here is that there is a message in this sign of Allah.

Because marriage is a means to take you closer to Allah, getting married should not be made difficult and complicated. Halal should be made easy and haram should be made difficult and not the other way around. Simplicity in wedding is the way of the Sunnah and we should follow that.

The wedding is a just a means to get married but a lot of times there is so much focus on the wedding itself. You find in many instances, people somehow wind up getting upset over it. Some even fight over this and that during the wedding plans. The amount of drama that comes as result is unbelievable. Once the wedding is over, it really doesn't matter how the invitation card looked, how many people you invited, what the door gifts were, what color the flowers were, what color the family wore to match the bride's and the groom's, etc. SubhanAllah, such is the human condition-- we lose focus on the sign. At the end of the day the wedding is only a few insignificant hours of your life. What is going to matter is the marriage itself-- is this marriage going to take you closer to Allah or farther from Allah.

Marriage, like everything else will have to go through a test of time. If you came into the marriage with improper expectations, you will quickly be disillusioned and disappointed. The easiest way to avoid disappointments is to manage your expectations.

How about separation? When you see marriage as an end itself, you will always see any type of separation as necessarily bad. But you must always have to remind yourself that ultimately I are marrying you because it is half of my deen and this another way to get me closer to my Creator. If you remember your marriage is a means to an end, then when this means is not doing its job, rather it is harming you and harming your path to Allah, then you will see the opposite.

For example, if the marriage prevents you from maintaining a good relationship with your parents or caused you to break ties with your family, whereas we are commanded to give excellent treatment to our parents and keep ties with our family, then this means is not doing its job for you and separation is not necessarily bad. If your is marriage preventing you from seeking knowledge or causing you to quit your studies, whereas we are commanded to seek knowledge because there is no valid practice of His religion without knowledge, then this marriage is not doing its job and separation is not necessarily bad.

When there is abuse in the marriage, whether physical or mental/emotional, then clearly the means is not doing its job. Allah does not approve of injustice or oppression (any form of wrong doing is oppression) and neither should we approve of oppression on our own self or on those around us. It is not more holy to allow yourself or people around you to be oppressed and say that I am being patient. We don't get closer to Allah by oppressing our own self or enabling an oppressor to oppress and allowing ourselves to be oppressed.

Allah does not want us to tolerate injustice in any level. In fact when we tolerate injustice, we are harming our own selves as well in terms our relationship with Allah. Because the person who is being abused begins to fear the abuser. The idea is that when I am so afraid of the other person, I am thinking of the other person and that person is occupying my mind and the fear I should have for Allah is with the abuser instead. We should know that the only one we should be sitting up at night and thinking about what they are going to do to us is Allah. May Allah give us the ability to break out of any type of unhealthy relationship at any level.

We have to keep in mind when something is taking us away from Allah, in terms of our own ibadah or any sort of obedience to Him, it can no longer good for us. When something is no longer good for you, you have to make a change, even it means separation. When something that should be for Allah get transferred to another person, fear or love, then that is hindering your relationship with Allah and your worship of Allah because your mind is being consumed by that fear or love of His creation.

We ask Allah to purify our hearts and make us of people of sound understanding.

رَ‌بَّنَا هَبْ لَنَا مِنْ أَزْوَ‌ٰجِنَا وَذُرِّ‌يَّـٰتِنَا قُرَّ‌ةَ أَعْيُنٍ وَٱجْعَلْنَا لِلْمُتَّقِينَ إِمَامًا

Our Lord, grant us from among our spouses and offspring comfort to our eyes and make us an example for the righteous.

Ameen.

Allahumma salli 'ala Muhammad wa 'ala aalihi wa sahbihi wassallam.

And Allah knows best and He alone grant success.

Wassalaam