My Best Friend, My Mother

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
In the Name of Allah, Most Merciful, Most Compassionate

Assalaamu alaykum

Dear Friends

I pray that you are well.

Aseer ibn Jaabir narrates: Whenever people would come from Yemen, Umar would ask them, “Is Uways Al-Qaranee amongst you?” until, one year, he met Uways. He said, “Are you Uways Al-Qaranee?” He said, “Yes.” Umar continued, “From Muraad, then Qaran?” He said, “Yes.” Umar then asked, “Were you once afflicted with leprosy and your skin healed except for a dirham’s area?” Uways said, “Yes.” Umar finally asked, “Do you have a mother (that is alive)?” He said, “Yes.” Umar then said, “I heard the Messenger of Allah - Sal Allahu alayhi wa Sallam - say, "Uways ibn Aamir will come to you with the delegations from Yemen, from Muraad, then from Qaran. He was once afflicted with leprosy and his skin healed except for a dirham’s area. He has a mother, and he treats her kindly. If he was to ever swear by Allah (for something) Allah would fulfill his oath. If you can, request that he ask forgiveness for you.” Umar then requested from Uways, “Ask forgiveness for me.” And Uways Al-Qaranee did.

Allah Almighty commanded us,

وَقَضَىٰ رَ‌بُّكَ أَلَّا تَعْبُدُوا إِلَّا إِيَّاهُ وَبِالْوَالِدَيْنِ إِحْسَانًا ۚ إِمَّا يَبْلُغَنَّ عِندَكَ الْكِبَرَ‌ أَحَدُهُمَا أَوْ كِلَاهُمَا فَلَا تَقُل لَّهُمَا أُفٍّ وَلَا تَنْهَرْ‌هُمَا وَقُل لَّهُمَا قَوْلًا كَرِ‌يمًا ﴿٢٣﴾ وَاخْفِضْ لَهُمَا جَنَاحَ الذُّلِّ مِنَ الرَّ‌حْمَةِ وَقُل رَّ‌بِّ ارْ‌حَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَ‌بَّيَانِي صَغِيرً‌ا ﴿٢٤

And your Lord has decreed that you not worship except Him, and to parents, excellent treatment. Whether one or both of them reach old age [while] with you, say not to them [so much as], "uff," and do not repel them but speak to them a noble word. (23) And lower to them the wing of humility out of mercy and say, "My Lord, have mercy upon them as they brought me up [when I was] small." (24) [Qur'an, Al-Israa’ 17:23-24]

Ad-Daylami collected from Al-Husayn ibn Ali, that the Prophet (Allah bless him and grant him peace) said, “If Allah knew any smaller than 'uff' to be disrespectful to parents, He would have decreed it to be Haram!” In Bukhari, a man came to the Prophet (Allah bless him and grant him peace) - seeking permission to go for Jihad. The Prophet (Allah bless him and grant him peace) asked him, “Are your parents alive?” He said, “Yes.” He (Allah bless him and grant him peace) said, “Perform Jihad (in you kind treatment) of them.”

If someone came to you today and offered you a free lunch, what would be your response? No doubt you would smile, speak kindly to and of them, and reserve a special place in your heart for their memory. Why is it then that our parents receive only cold stares, harsh words and bitter treatment and they are who they are in our lives? For twenty or thirty years they fed us, clothed us, washed us, and showered their mercy on our soft skin. Their love for us never dies even if we do, love that goes even beyond us, to our children and even their children.

We all have parents – whether they are with us or not – and many have not understood the their grand position in our lives and their right to be respected and revered.

Birr Al-Waalidayn is a characteristic of the believer (Mu’min). Al-Hasan Al Basri defined it saying, “Al-Birr is to obey the parents in everything that they ask so long as it is not to disobey Allah. Uqooq is to disown your parents, denying them all of your goodness.”

By the consensus of the scholars, being respectful and obedient to ones parents is obligatory (fard). Ibn Hazm said, “(Obeying ones parents) is fard” and he quoted the verse:

And your Lord decreed that you should worship none but Him and that you be dutiful to your Parents.

To better understand what is meant by Birr Al-Walidayn (kindness to parents), the scholars set the following conditions:

1) He should place the pleasure of his parents above the pleasure of anyone else, including himself and his wife and kids. Everyone!

2) He should obey them in everything they command or forbid, whether it agrees with his desires or not, so long as they do not command the disobedience of Allah.

3) He should present them with everything he feels they desire, whether they ask for it or not. He should present it with kindness and mercy, understanding – no matter what he does – his shortcomings in fulfilling the true kindness that his parents deserve.

The great scholar, Abu al-Faraj Ibn Al-Jawzî (d. 1201CE) explained:

To be kind to one's parents is: to obey them when they order you to do something, unless it is something which Allah has forbidden; to give priority to their orders over voluntary acts of worship; to abstain from that which they forbid you to do; to provide for them; to serve them; to approach them with gentle humility and mercy; not to raise your voice in front of them; nor to fix your glance on them; nor to call them by their names; and to be patient with them. (Ibn al-Jawzî, Birr al-Wâlidayn)

Allah’s love comes when our parents love us. And Allah’s anger comes when our parents are angry with us. Ibn Abbaas (may Allah be pleased with father and son) said, “There are three things that will not be accepted if it’s mate is not fulfilled. (And he mentioned),

وَوَصَّيْنَا الْإِنسَانَ بِوَالِدَيْهِ حَمَلَتْهُ أُمُّهُ وَهْنًا عَلَىٰ وَهْنٍ وَفِصَالُهُ فِي عَامَيْنِ أَنِ اشْكُرْ‌ لِي وَلِوَالِدَيْكَ إِلَيَّ الْمَصِيرُ‌ ﴿١٤

And We have enjoined upon man [care] for his parents. His mother carried him, [increasing her] in weakness upon weakness, and his weaning is in two years. Be grateful to Me and to your parents; to Me is the [final] destination. (14) [Qur'an, Luqmaan 31:14]

Ibn Abbaas continued, “Thus whoever thanks Allah and is not thankful to his parents, Allah will not accept from him.”

This sentence too describes the hardships suffered by the mother for her baby. It points out that even after suffering hardships during pregnancy and the severe labor pains, the mother does not get respite from toils, because the natural food of the infants is in her breasts, and she has to suckle them. (Shafy, Ma'âriful Qur'ân [Eng. trans.], vol. 7, pp. 795-796)

The Prophet (Allah bless him and grant him peace) said, “the Pleasure of Allah is from the pleasure of the parents, and the anger of Allah is from the anger of the parents.”

Let us think about how many of us treat our parents. We shy away from them when they may need something. We never visit if we live away from them. And especially after we get married, we don't see them as significant people in our lives anymore and shoved them in the corner. Many people dispose of their parents in nursing or retirement homes. And when an argument ignites between our parents and us, many of us shout at them as if we were arguing with our evilest enemy. May Allah protect us all.

Compare this to those that came before us. Dhibyaan ibn Ali ath-Thowree (may Allah be pleased with him) used to travel with his mother to Makkah. There – in the scorching heat – he would dig a little pool and fill it with cool water. Then he would turn to his mother and say, “Ummi, sit in this water to cool yourself.”

For many of us, our friends, our bosses, our wives, our husbands, our children, are more precious to us than our mother and father. Forgetful we are of the time a man came to the Prophet (Allah bless him and grant him peace) and asked him who is more worthy of his dear companionship. He (Allah bless him and grant him peace) said, “Your Mother!” The man asked again and again, and the Prophet (Allah bless him and grant him peace) replied, “Your Mother! Your Mother!” Until on the fourth time he (Allah bless him and grant him peace) said, “Your Father.” Today, when the common question is asked, “Who is your best friend?” How many people would say, “my Mother!” But this is how the question should be answered and implemented.

What pleases our mother comes before everything, so long as it is not in disobedience of Allah. The scholars understood this and set the example for us. Haywah bin Shurayh (may Allah be pleased with him), one of the Imam’s of our Ummah, used to give classes in front of his home. During the class, his mother would call him to feed the chickens. He would stand up, leave the Halaqah (gathering), and go feed the chickens.

Commenting on this hadith, Shaykh Muhammad Ali Al-Hashimi notes:

This hadith confirms that the Prophet (Allah bless him and grant him peace) gave precedence to kind treatment of one's mother over kind treatment of one's father (Al-Hashimi, The Ideal Muslimah, IIPH 2005, p. 165)

Likewise, the late Grand Mufti of Saudi Arabia, Shaykh Abdul-Azîz Ibn Bâz (d. 1999) comments on this hadith saying:

So this necessitates that the mother is given three times the like of kindness and excellent treatment than the father. (Majmoo' Fataawaa wa Maqalat Mutanawwi'ah)

He also writes:

The secret of her importance lies in the tremendous burden and responsibility that is placed upon her, and the difficulties that she has to shoulder - responsibilities and difficulties some of which not even a man bears. This is why from the most important obligations upon a person is to show gratitude to the mother, and kindness and good companionship with her. And in this matter, she is to be given precedence over and above the father.[...] And I have no doubt that my mother - may Allah shower His mercy upon her - had a tremendous effect upon me, in encouraging me to study; and she assisted me in it. May Allah greatly increase her reward and reward her with the best of rewards for what she did for me. (Majmoo' Fatawa wa Maqalat Mutanawwi'ah)

Abdullah Ibn Abbâs (d. 687CE) may Allah be pleased with him, a companions of the Prophet (Allah bless him and grant him peace) and a great scholar of Islam, considered kind treatment of one's mother to be the best deed for strengthening or rectifying one's relation with God. He said:

I know of no other deed that brings people closer to Allah than kind treatment and respect towards one's mother. [Al-Adab al-Mufrad Bukhârî 1/45]

An even more powerful example is found in the statement of another one of the Prophet's companions, Abdullah Ibn 'Umar (d. 692CE) (may Allah be pleased with father and son), who was also a great scholar of Islam. It has been related that:

Abdullah Ibn 'Umar saw a Yemeni man performing Tawâf (circumambulating the Ka'bah) while carrying his mother on his back. This man said to Abdullah Ibn 'Umar, "I am like a tame camel for her! I have carried her more than she carried me. Do you think I have paid her back, O Ibn 'Umar?" Abdullah Ibn 'Umar replied, "No, not even one contraction!!" [Al-Adab al-Mufrad Bukhârî 1/62]

SubhânAllah (Glory be to God)! The efforts of a man who carries his mother on his back while performing tawâf cannot even repay his mother for a single contraction that she went through for him. Wise indeed was Ibn 'Umar's reply to this man to show him how massively indebted he was to his mother. This is the tremendous value and prestigious position of mothers in Islam!

We all want Allah to accept from us, we would all like to enter Paradise. Look down and you will find paradise at the feet of your mother.

Narrated Ahmad and An-Nasaa’ee, from Mu’aawiyah ibn Jaahimah As-Sulamee: My father, Jaahimah (may Allah be pleased with him) went to the Prophet (Allah bless him and grant him peace) and asked, “O Messenger of Allah, I would like to go out and fight for the sake of Allah, and I have come to you for advice.” The Prophet (Allah bless him and grant him peace) asked him, “Is your mother alive?” He said, “Yes.” “Then stay near her,” advised the Prophet (Allah bless him and grant him peace), “For at her feet is Jannah!”

On the other side, making our parents sad or even making them cry is one of the many ways to earn Allah’s anger. Imam Ahmad narrates, from Abdullah ibn ‘Amr ibn Al-Aas (raa): A man came to the Prophet (Allah bless him and grant him peace) - to give him his pledge of Allegiance. He said, “I have come to pledge allegiance to you for Hijrah! And I have left both my parents behind crying” The Prophet (Allah bless him and grant him peace) commanded him, “Go back, and the same way that you made them cry, make them laugh.” Ibn Umar (may Allah be pleased with both father and son) said, “Making ones parents cry is amongst the Uqooq, a major sin!”

Shaykh al-Qaasim once said, “Subhaan Allah! How can we leave our parents sobbing, tears that the Throne of Allah shakes for, tears that unsettle the Angels in the heavens, and then we claim that we want to go for Jihad so that Allah will be pleased with us? Go back and make them happy with your visit as you made them sad by your departure. If they laugh and are pleased with you, Allah will be pleased.”

During the funeral of his mother, Al-Haarith Al-Aklee (may Allah be pleased with him) wept. When asked for the reason of his tears he said, “Why should I not cry when one of my doors to Paradise has now closed?”

Respecting our parents is one of the greatest things that we can do. In Bukhari and Muslim, from Abd Allah ibn Mas’ood (may Allah be pleased with him), a man asked the Prophet (Allah bless him and grant him peace), “What deed is most beloved by Allah?” He (Allah bless him and grant him peace) said, “Salah (prayer) on time.” The man asked, “And then?” He (Allah bless him and grant him peace) said, “Respecting and revering one's parents.” He said, “And then?” “Jihad for the sake of Allah.”

It is a means by which our sins are forgiven. When Allah commanded in the Qur’an,

... وَوَصَّيْنَا الْإِنسَانَ بِوَالِدَيْهِ إِحْسَانًا ۖ حَمَلَتْهُ أُمُّهُ كُرْ‌هًا وَوَضَعَتْهُ كُرْ‌هًا ۖ وَحَمْلُهُ وَفِصَالُهُ ثَلَاثُونَ شَهْرً‌ا

And We have enjoined upon man, to his parents, excellent treatment. His mother carried him with hardship and gave birth to him with hardship, and his gestation and weaning [period] is thirty months...[Qur'an Al-Ahqaaf 46:15]

The next verse tells us:

أُولَـٰئِكَ الَّذِينَ نَتَقَبَّلُ عَنْهُمْ أَحْسَنَ مَا عَمِلُوا وَنَتَجَاوَزُ عَن سَيِّئَاتِهِمْ فِي أَصْحَابِ الْجَنَّةِ ۖ وَعْدَ الصِّدْقِ الَّذِي كَانُوا يُوعَدُونَ ﴿١٦

Those are the ones from whom We will accept the best of what they did and overlook their misdeeds, [their being] among the companions of Paradise. [That is] the promise of truth which they had been promised. (16) [Qur'an Al-Ahqaaf 46:16]

Respecting our parents will lead us to Jannah. In Muslim, from Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him): I heard the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and grant him peace) say, “May he perish! May he perish! May he perish!” It was asked, “Who, O Messenger of Allah?” The Prophet (Allah bless him and grant him peace) said, “He whose parents attain old age in his life – one or both of them – and he does not enter Paradise.”

And when our parents are gone, the goodness towards them does not end.

Malik ibn Rabi’ah Al-Saa’idi narrated: We were sitting with the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and grant him peace) when an Ansari man came and asked, “O Messenger of Allah, is there anything left from my Birr to my parents that I should present to them after their death?” The Prophet (Allah bless him and grant him peace) said, “Yes, four things: Pray and ask forgiveness for them. Fulfill their pledges. Be kind to their friends. And maintain the ties of kinship that come from only their direction. That is what is left from your Birr to them after their death.” [Ahmad, Abu Dawood, and Ibn Maajah]

Aamir ibn Abd Allah ibn Az-Zubayr (may Allah be pleased with father and son) said, “My father died, and for an entire year I did not ask Allah for anything except that He forgive my Father.”

Remember, as you meet your parents today, the words of the Prophet (Allah bless him and grant him peace) “Fa feehima fa Jaahid. Do Jihad in (your excellent treatment of) your parents.” You may find that your parents are very difficult...but like everything else, then you have to work harder to please them. Nothing is difficult with the help of Allah and nothing is easy without the help of Allah. So turn to Allah for His help always.

O Allah, forgive us and our parents, and reward them with the finest reward. O Allah, elevate their position in the hereafter and this Dunya; make that which befalls them an expiation for their sins. O Allah, grant them residence in Firdaus, the highest level of Paradise, with the Prophets, the Siddiqin, and the Martyrs. O Allah, make us of those who are merciful to their parents and comfort to the eyes of their parents. O Allah, help us care for our parents as they care for us when we were small. Ameen.

Allahumma salli 'ala Muhammad wa 'ala aalihi wa sahbihi wassallam.

And Allah knows best and He alone grant success.

Wassalaam