Serving Your Parents Even After Their Death

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
In the Name of Allah, Most Merciful, Most Compassionate

Assalaamu alaykum

Dear Friends

I pray that you are well.

It's always a shock to receive the news of the death of a parent. And it doesn't matter whether that parent was beloved or resented, whether the relationship was close or distant, warm or cold, harmonious or hotly conflictual. It doesn't even matter how old you are, or how old your parent was at the time of death. For most people, the death of a parent, particularly when the parent is of the same gender, is life altering. Anyone who has lost a mother or father knows this.

Even at 35 or 40, even when careers and/or families had been established, nobody ever really feels grown-up. Then, all too suddenly, they grew up. The events that catapulted me over the barrier to my own maturity were the unanticipated sickness and death of my father. He died at 43. I was then 19. When my mother died 16 years later, a new self emerged, one that felt and claimed the status of grown-up. Central to that new self was a vivid, visceral knowledge of my own mortality. I began to feel I was living on borrowed time. Days, then years, arrived as a gift, unearned, which I received with both gladness and a degree of guilt. And there was the awareness of how vulnerable every life is, how uncertain its duration. Death embedded deep in me a knowledge of my limit, our limits, and the end of our deeds except a righteous child who makes du'a for him, on-going charity, a knowledge (of Islam) from which others benefit.

Kindness and excellent treatment towards your parents go beyond death:

When you put your head down in prostration today, remember to make sincere and earnest du'a for your parents. This is the minimum you should do to serve your parents. Always pray for your parents, recalling their kindness and beg for their forgiveness from The Almighty and His Mercies for them. It is mentioned in the Qur'an:

وَاخْفِضْ لَهُمَا جَنَاحَ الذُّلِّ مِنَ الرَّ‌حْمَةِ وَقُل رَّ‌بِّ ارْ‌حَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَ‌بَّيَانِي صَغِيرً‌ا ﴿٢٤

And lower to them the wing of humility out of mercy and say, "My Lord, have mercy upon them as they brought me up [when I was] small." (24) (Qur'an, Al-Isra' 17:24)

Respect and excellent treatment for your parents:

Having respect and excellent treatment for one's parents is second only to that of prayer and is greater than that of Jihaad (fighting in His cause). In this respect, Abu 'Abdur-Rahmaan 'Abdullaah Ibn Mas’ood may Allah be pleased with him narrated the following: "I asked the Prophet sallallaahu `alayhi wa sallam: 'Which deed is the most beloved to Allah?' He sallallaahu `alayhi wa sallam replied: "Prayers performed on time." I then asked: 'Which one is next?' He replied: "Excellence to parents." I then asked: 'Which is next?' He replied: "Jihaad in the path of Allah.""

وَقَضَىٰ رَ‌بُّكَ أَلَّا تَعْبُدُوا إِلَّا إِيَّاهُ وَبِالْوَالِدَيْنِ إِحْسَانًا ۚ إِمَّا يَبْلُغَنَّ عِندَكَ الْكِبَرَ‌ أَحَدُهُمَا أَوْ كِلَاهُمَا فَلَا تَقُل لَّهُمَا أُفٍّ وَلَا تَنْهَرْ‌هُمَا وَقُل لَّهُمَا قَوْلًا كَرِ‌يمًا ﴿٢٣

And your Lord has decreed that you not worship except Him, and to parents, good treatment. Whether one or both of them reach old age [while] with you, say not to them [so much as], "uff," and do not repel them but speak to them a noble word. (23) (Qur'an, Al-Isra' 17:23)

وَوَصَّيْنَا الْإِنسَانَ بِوَالِدَيْهِ حُسْنًا ۖ وَإِن جَاهَدَاكَ لِتُشْرِ‌كَ بِي مَا لَيْسَ لَكَ بِهِ عِلْمٌ فَلَا تُطِعْهُمَا ۚ إِلَيَّ مَرْ‌جِعُكُمْ فَأُنَبِّئُكُم بِمَا كُنتُمْ تَعْمَلُونَ ﴿٨

And We have enjoined upon man goodness to parents. But if they endeavor to make you associate with Me that of which you have no knowledge, do not obey them. To Me is your return, and I will inform you about what you used to do. (8) [Qur'an, Al-Ankabut 29:8]

Special treatment to your Mother:

One should have special regard for his/her mother. It is the mother that carries the fetus in her womb for nine months and then nourishes the child with her milk. Allah Almighty says,

وَوَصَّيْنَا الْإِنسَانَ بِوَالِدَيْهِ إِحْسَانًا ۖ حَمَلَتْهُ أُمُّهُ كُرْ‌هًا وَوَضَعَتْهُ كُرْ‌هًا ۖ وَحَمْلُهُ وَفِصَالُهُ ثَلَاثُونَ شَهْرً‌ا ۚ حَتَّىٰ إِذَا بَلَغَ أَشُدَّهُ وَبَلَغَ أَرْ‌بَعِينَ سَنَةً قَالَ رَ‌بِّ أَوْزِعْنِي أَنْ أَشْكُرَ‌ نِعْمَتَكَ الَّتِي أَنْعَمْتَ عَلَيَّ وَعَلَىٰ وَالِدَيَّ وَأَنْ أَعْمَلَ صَالِحًا تَرْ‌ضَاهُ وَأَصْلِحْ لِي فِي ذُرِّ‌يَّتِي ۖ إِنِّي تُبْتُ إِلَيْكَ وَإِنِّي مِنَ الْمُسْلِمِينَ ﴿١٥

And We have enjoined upon man, to his parents, good treatment. His mother carried him with hardship and gave birth to him with hardship, and his gestation and weaning [period] is thirty months. [He grows] until, when he reaches maturity and reaches [the age of] forty years, he says, "My Lord, enable me to be grateful for Your favor which You have bestowed upon me and upon my parents and to work righteousness of which You will approve and make righteous for me my offspring. Indeed, I have repented to You, and indeed, I am of the Muslims." (15) [Qur'an, Al-Ahqaf 46:15]

Abdullah Ibn 'Umar saw a Yemeni man performing Tawâf (circumambulating the Ka'bah) while carrying his mother on his back. This man said to Abdullah Ibn 'Umar, "I am like a tame camel for her! I have carried her more than she carried me. Do you think I have paid her back, O Ibn 'Umar?" Abdullah Ibn 'Umar replied, "No, not even one contraction!!" [Al-Adab al-Mufrad Bukhârî 1/62]

SubhânAllah (Glory be to God)! The efforts of a man who carries his mother on his back while performing tawâf cannot even repay his mother for a single contraction that she went through for him. Wise indeed was Ibn 'Umar's reply to this man to show him how massively indebted he was to his mother. This is the tremendous value and prestigious position of mothers in Islam!

Yet another example is found in the following prophecy of the Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him):

There will come to you with reinforcements from Yemen a man called Uways ibn 'Âmir of the clan of Murâd from the tribe of Qaran. He had leprosy but has been cured of it except for a spot the size of a coin. He has a mother and he has always treated her with kindness and respect. If he prays to Allah, Allah will fulfill his wish. If you can ask him to pray for forgiveness for you, then do so. [Sahîh Muslim 16/95]

As to be excellent to your mother, it means also treating her well, respecting her, humbling oneself in front of her, obeying her without disobeying Allah, seeking her satisfaction and pleasure in all matters, even in a jihaad. If it is optional, he must have her permission, for being kind to her is a type of jihaad. [Jihaad is the struggle (physical, mental, psychological, spiritual, etc.) to preserve the purity and practice of Islam.]

On the authority of Asma'a bint Abu Bakr Al- Siddiq (may Allah be pleased with her), who said; "My mother came to Medina from Makkah to see me, while she was still an unbeliever. She had come to demand something from me. I inquired with the Prophet (Allah bless him and grant him peace): 'My mother has come to see me and she is expecting something from me. May I oblige her?' He said: 'Yes, be kind to your mother.'" (Bukhari and Muslim)

On the authority of Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him),who said: A man asked the Messenger of God (S.A.W.) who amongst his near ones had the greatest right over him, the Prophet (Allah bless him and grant him peace) replied: "Your mother". He asked, "Then who is next?" The Prophet (Allah bless him and grant him peace) replied: "Your mother". He again asked, "Then who is next?" The Prophet (Allah bless him and grant him peace) replied: "Your mother". He asked: "Then who is next?" The Prophet (Allah bless him and grant him peace) replied: "Your father." (Bukhari and Muslim)

In Islam, respect for parents is so great that the child and his wealth are considered to be the property of the parents: Aisha narrated that a man came to the Prophet sallallaahu `alayhi wa sallam in order to resolve a dispute that he had with his father regarding a loan he had given him. The Prophet sallallaahu `alayhi wa sallam said to the man: "You and your wealth are to (i.e., the property of) your father."

What more for a mother who has made all the sacrifices for you from the time you were in her womb until you become this grown-up? I say, "You and your wealth are to your mother even more".

May Allah help us serve Him and treat our parents with excellence, and make us of those who are grateful and patient. Ameen.

And Allah knows best and He alone grant success.

Allahumma salli 'ala Muhammad wa 'ala aalihi wa sahbihi wassallam.

Wassalaam